Fear or excitement?

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2 Comments
As many of you know, I will spend next 5 months on my Erasmus+ in Zaragoza, Spain. As many of you ask me same questions all over again (What do I want from my stay abroad? What do you feel like? Experience? Partying every night? New friends?), I simply decided to write the answers down here on my brand-new blog :) 

First things first, though. For those of you who might not know, I am a really emotional person and a nervous person as well. I have also extremely strong ties to my closest family and friends. What was it like to say goodbye? Well, it was so freaking hard to say goodbye to my mum and dad, knowing that I won't be around for a long time! It's like someone constantly laughing at you, a couple of imaginary bullies looking down on you, pointing their fingers at you from above, someone perpetually mocking you. There: right in your face, moron... 

What I came to realise, however, is that saying goodbye is not only hard, it's also very nice. It's a good thing to be scared of being homesick. It's a unique feeling, very special. Very nice indeed, because if you feel while saying goodbye your parents, sisters, grandparents boyfriend and friends that you will be completely and inevitably hollow without them, that's actually good, right? At least you know you truly love someone. There is no life without love.

So, please, don't wilt my lovely flower. There is something special, something thrilling waiting, lurking in the shadows of the unknown. This 'something' is truly and uniquely waiting for you out there. Only for you. Something to become a definite and a defining part of yourself. Just for you. So go girl and get it! Your fear and anxiety of the unknown may yet turn out to be excitement! You never know.

"I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more. It could be, it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense, it's so - confused. I can't really figure it out." (Oscar, Armageddon)
I want to be brave. I want to try new things I would never have thought of. Do things I'm scared of, things I'm afraid to do. By the way, just for you to know, I'm a tremendously big shit of the scared right now. :D Money, insurance, language barrier, seminars, bureaucratic shit, flat... I don't even know how to ask for a nice little post-it-s I simply can't do without. How will I survive without all paper stationery and office supplies I love so much for Christ sake?!

But, again, its good thing to be scared. I may not want to go now, but I know it will be awesome. I will discover myself. I will know if I am able to deal with new things, unexpected twists in the plot, spontaneous situations, meeting new people and dealing with opinions I may not agree with. 

And that's what I want to bring home from my Erasmus. The next piece of my personality's puzzle. Another unutterable, as Lacan would point out. (Read Freud and Lacan, guys. Seriously, it's amazing.)

And then in those quiet little moments of memories years after I can face myself in the mirror and say: these were the times I'd been alive, free and myself. I survived five weeks in Romania, first week without hot water in a village with 30 people where nobody spoke English. I will survive Spain.

Everytime before my travels and trips I feel EXACTLY like Bilbo, coming out of his hole in Hobbiton. I adore Tolkien because it perfectly mirrors my lifestory. 

I am going on an adventure, guys!




My Erasmus will be amazing :) 


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2 comments:

  1. FF30 January 2015 at 12:40

    I can totally relate to your feelings, it was very similar for me when I left for Oslo - but maybe I was more scared of how the hell would I make friends there than of leaving my beloved behind, even if it was painful too. BUT the fear will go away really soon, at least it did for me and I loved the whole experience so much! Being there, all on my own, was the best thing that could possibly happen to me, I guess.
    So I just want to wish you a great stay, have lots of amazing adventures and release your inner Bilbo! :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Unknown30 January 2015 at 14:27

      I adore "release your inner Bilbo" metaphor!! That's exactly what I'm talking about.
      I am happy that you enjoyed your time in Oslo!

      I know it will be awesome, but I am pretty sure that I will have some hard time, too. It's even harder to say goodbye to Brno when you realise that you have pretty amazing live here - true friends, blooming love, satisfying and creative work, university... but... there is this "but of youth". And this is what I want to discover.

      Thank you so much for the comment and stay tuned for some more! I will keep you posted :)



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Enjoy life. Stay creative. Follow three-step plans. "We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open."

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